Ghost's Touch
by Ankashra
Summary: Hikaru is lost, he just wants to see Sai again.  *  "I wish I could start over, do better."
1. Dying

Disclaimer: I don't own Hikaru no Go, I'm just wasting my time and yours writing out a FanFic.

A/N: I got this idea while readingEsama's "Watch and learn" and it just wouldn't leave me alone.

Story is in Hikaru's POV.

Ghost's Touch - Chapter One - Dying

_Wrong… So wrong… let me out, let me see, let me breath, let me be not empty… Please?_

The sky is blue tonight. It's funny, here I am lying down on the grass next to Shuusaku's grave crying and dying, but the sky is blue and the sun is shining.

I'm feeling like the world has ended yet it's moving on and totally not caring about me. Well, if so I'd like to ask to get off the world, please. Keep right on moving, I'll just stay here and die ok?

No, I suppose it doesn't quite work that way. I actually have to act in order to die.

It was just too hard, moving on… For three years you were with me, day in and day out. And now… it's been three more years since that day and I still can't let go. I just want to be with you again, hear your childish voice and see your ageless, passionate eyes.

I might have found you in my Go but it just wasn't enough, never will be. My Go is stagnant, I daren't improve for fear of losing you, yet by staying this way I will never get closer. The other pros have long since gotten out of my reach; I've become ensnared by my fear, paralyzed by indecision.

I've let mum talk me into going to high school instead of being an active pro, I spent my evenings replaying our games and looking at Shusaku's kifu over and over again. Trying to find you, always reaching for you but simply too afraid to challenge the pros in fear of not finding you one day, my Go having changed too much.

It's pathetic but I just can't bear the thought of loosing you. I prefer stagnancy rather than risk improving so much that I'd change and forget you. I just… I'm lost, I've lost.

I give up, Sai. Replaying our games is not enough; I want to play against you. I wish I could start over, do better. I know it's not possible so I'm doing the next best thing.

I'm coming to you, Sai. Now.


	2. Living

Ghost's Touch - Chapter Two - Living

_... … … … … Breathe … … Think … … Breathe. Think. See. Hear. Taste. Smell. Touch. Think. Feel. . … … Live… Again. What was, is. Again. Why?_

"Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep."

Ugh. White, too bright. The light hurts my eyes, the sound hurts my ears, my head just plain hurts.

Isn't death supposed to be painless? Shouldn't I be seeing Sai? He should be here, asking me for a game, I should be there with him. Didn't I die?

Brave the light, open your eyes…

… White washed walls, monitors emitting sharp beeps. I'm in the hospital. Why? Why didn't I die? I just wanted to see Sai again, hear his voice.

"_Are you alright? I did not mean to frighten you so, I give you my most humble apologizes."_

SAI! Sai's voice, Sai's face, looking at me. He came back!

"_My name is Fujiwara no Sai, I hope our first meeting has not brought you lasting harm."_

"Sai… you're… " There is so much I want to tell you, Sai. So much you've missed. I'm so happy you're back.

"_Oh, forgive my lack of manners. It is a pleasure to meet you, please take care of me. "_ He bowed to me, one of those curtsy bows that remind me he used to be part of a court.

Why is he introducing himself that way, does he think I have forgotten him? Three years is a long time and my memory is not that great for little things but I can never forget him, he must know that.

I fear my mind has drifted. He is still talking, telling me of his disgrace and banishment but I'm preoccupied by a nasty feeling, nagging at me. Sai… he does not look at me with the same eyes he used to, he is distant. He reminds me of the time I first met him and telling me of his story is not helping the weird sense of wrongness invading me.

I bring my hand to my head, to rub away the ache.

This hand… it's not mine. It can't be mine. My hands are large and tanned, with callused fingertips from handling the stones so often. They are the hands of an eighteen years old semi-retired Go pro who takes long walks in the mornings to take his mind off things.

These hands… they are tanned, yes, but they are small and chubby from youth. What happened to me? Why are these hands responding to me, turning over, tugging at my hair? Wait, blond bangs, I cut that off two years ago. I wanted to stop standing out, caving under the disappointed stares of the pros and the mocking ones of the students.

This… shouldn't be happening. It shouldn't be possible. If I am not dead or dreaming… have I been sent to the past? Have I been given a second chance?

But I neither deserve nor even want a second chance…


	3. Adapting

Ghost's Touch - Chapter 3 - Adapting

_Again but not, different but the same, stronger yet paler, smarter yet weaker. Again, but not, not again, not again never again it won't happen it won't it can't never again NO!_

School is both easier and harder than it used to be. Some classes, like math in which I was at a higher level of learning, are almost too easy to me. I have to watch myself in order not to show how much I've 'improved'. For a guy who used to barely pass to suddenly have perfect marks would just bring about undue attention I really don't need. Fortunately, there are other classes I don't need to fake bad marks in, such as Social Studies. Not only was I awful at it the first time around, the subject isn't one of skill but of by-heart learning, something at which I was never good except to memorize kifu. I also promptly forgot about the course work after the last exam of each year was over with… In fact, I think I just might have an even worst mark for this week's test then the 7% which prompted me to go root through my Grampa's attic a life-time ago. This might be problematic…

Well, I'll just tell my parents that I got a really bad headache which kept me from concentrating. Head injuries have to be good for something, after all. I think they noticed that I'm not acting like I used to and are blaming the injury. It wasn't that hard a concussion though, so I really need to get my act together and start acting my age again. It's just hard. I barely remember some of the guys from the soccer team and now they are supposed to be my best friends again? I have to get used to my 'new' body, have to remember how to act, have to remember what I'm supposed to know at this age… And there is the whole thing with Sai.

How do I act, what do I do? So far, I've not let him know about myself, about this situation I'm in. This past week, I've mostly asked him about the Heian Period and about Shusaku, under the guise of getting help for my History homework. I can tell he is just happy being out of the goban, being able to talk to someone and be heard. He doesn't know me; he can't see how out of character I've been. But still, sometime soon he'll notice how weird I am, how I try to always have him in sight, how I'd rather hear him speak about anything and everything than go out to play with my supposed friends. He speaks of Go often, of how he wishes he could play again. He made me sick in class the other day, like in the first time around. I recall that day vividly, it was the first time his emotions affected me like that. After he disappeared, I missed that. This sickness of mine was a representation of Sai's own innermost feelings, we were so close… I must admit, though, now that I've felt the sickness again I'd rather that part of the deal was skipped.

Still, I told him that I would go to a 'net café this weekend and search the 'net for ways for him to play go. I already know of that one place I used to go to in the other life, after all. No need to chance meeting up with Akira by tempting fate at Touya Meijin's salon. That's something else I settled on this week, after much reflection. I will play netgo as Sai and I won't play against him just yet. Not only do I feel unprepared to face the intensity of a match with Sai, I have decided he will not ever know of my first life. My failures. I will play for him, live for him. This second chance, I'd rather see it as the rightful way Sai's third life should have been. I know I will eventually have to play myself against opponents face to face. I do not plan on hiding behind netgo eternally. When the time comes to enter the pros I will be a worthy challenger, and I will have watched and learnt diligently from Sai in such a way that he will not suspect I've had two chances to learn from him. That is why I can't play him right now; he would see his go in mine. Netgo will have to suffice for now. It is also why I refuse to play against Akira, or any of the other Insei I used to know. Until I can freely show that might of Sai's go, I will remain hidden. This life is not about me; I lived that life once and lost.

This life is about Sai and reaching the hand of God.

Together.


	4. Adjusting

Ghost's Touch - Chapter Four - Adjusting

_Drops of rain, drops of sorrow, droplets of blood, falling on the ground. Drops of life, fleeing from us. Fleeing from the lost souls that we are. Light, hope, stars of the universe, this universe we create one stone at a time. Forever Gone. Forever… no, shadows and shades still tied to the world, keeping us from moving on, giving us second and fourth and too many chances._

Walking around the city with Sai is kind of strange. His naïve fear and enthusiasm for modern objects is almost painful to see. He flinches from airplanes flying overhead and cars passing by and he is so curious of everyday items such as streetlights and automatic doors…

Explaining the TV, the computer and the Net to him was painful, in the sense that when I had last seen him, even if he didn't truly understand modern appliances, he had gotten adjusted to them. This childish vision of the world he is showing serves only to make me even more keenly aware that Sai is not _my_ Sai.

Still, I do my best to explain, to be patient and understanding. I want him to get used to modernity, I want to at least try to make him less regretful of the missed millennia. I can see now that the first time around, even though he had adjusted to this era and taken it in stride, in the end, he never was comfortable in the modern world. I want to change that, there are so many things I want to change. I can only hope it will turn out better then it was and that I won't irremediably alter events for the worst. I couldn't bear for Sai to fade again.

I won't let it happen. Not this time, never again.

"_Hikaru~! Hurry, hurry, the little man is there! You said we have to cross before the hand comes back."_

Oh, oups. I almost missed street crossing signal. Good thing Sai is adjusting so well to modernity…

"_What are you thinking so hard of? You were ignoring me, weren't you? Hikaru~! You're mean!"_

Hey, ho! I'm not the mean one here; you're the one who makes me literally sick every day in your eagerness to play. Plus, I'm taking you to the children tournament against my better judgment. At least this time, I know not to speak aloud.

Now, I only have to keep a low profile while letting Sai enjoy himself. If I don't speak up, I won't be taken to that man's office, I won't run into Touya Meijin and Ogata will never hear of me. And since I never went to Touya's salon, he won't show up after the tournament.

I… kind of miss him. He was my rival. Of course, after… well, after I lost Sai, we went our separate ways. I think, maybe, he'll be better off this time. I hope so. But as much as I feel bad for him, I will not play against him. Not before I can show Sai's Go to the world. He'll just have to wait a few years. Sai comes first, always.

"_So many children. These children have the same passion for Go that I had a thousand years ago. These children are telling me that things will be the same…" _

I sure hope not. A lot of things will never be the same again and for that, I am grateful.

"… _a thousand years from now,"_


	5. Dealing

Ghost's Touch – Chapter Five - Dealing

_Time wasted, running, fleeing. A harsh breath, a sigh, a pant. Running and fleeing from the dark, from the light. Always, running out of time, no time to waste. Ran out of time, no, can't run, can't stay. Wanting to stay, a tear, a breath. Alone. Always alone, no more, please no more, not alone. So lonely. Breath. _

This isn't working. Going to the net Café so often is starting to make my parents suspicious and my allowances are not enough to keep paying for this. I need to convince my father to let me access his computer, or even better, buy me a laptop. It's going to cost me in an even worse way, though; he'll ask that I bring up my grades, I just know it.

Urk. Just, urk. School... is painful. I'll survive.

If bringing up my grades will get me steady access to the Net, I'll do it. With the advantages of having been through it once, and Sai's help once more for that stupid social studies class, I'll make it work. I have managed so far not to mess up and so I should be able to bring up my grades slowly over the next few months. Funny how _before_, a few months were an eternity. I suppose I have matured. Now, a couple of months of waiting seem like nothing in exchange of obtaining my goal; making Sai part of this world. Yes, well, before I get started on my grand master plan, I suppose I'll need parental approbation. Not for the Sai part, for the computer part. Right, going, going...

"Hey dad, can I use the computer after school?" Say yes, say yes, say yes...

"Don't you have soccer practice?" No, that's not what you're supposed to say. Right, they still think I go to soccer and hang out with the guys. Forgot about that.

"I meant after practice, duh. And supper. " I'll just have to find something to pass the time. Perhaps I could buy a few kifu books, still have to let Sai discover modern strategies. He will nag me if he can't do _something_ go related. Or I could look for some other tournaments to go watch? Yes, last time went fine, it was fun.

"And when will you do your homework? Hikaru, you have to study, we talked about that." Yadda, yadda. I knew he'd bring up my grades, I knew it.

"C'mon dad, school's boring. The teachers always make us do stupid tests..." Which are way too easy.

"Which you fail." Yeah, I do that... "I'll make you a deal, son. You have two months to bring up your average by at least 8 points. After that, we'll have a trial month in which you'll have computer access. If your grade drops, no more computer time until you reach middle school. If your average keeps going up one grade per week, I'll raise your allowance. What do you say?" Yes, gotcha!

"One grade per two weeks." Not that I couldn't do it, but it'd be way suspicious and would take some work. I'm not saying no to a raise though, so better make it realistic…

"You drive a hard bargain." Hey, what's that stare for? "Alright, deal. Though, why do you want the computer, anyways?" To allow a thousand years old ghost to play go? Think fast, think!

"There's this game every one is playing, Golemizer. I want to know what it's all about." Insert a pout and... goal! He fell for it.

Alright, so that's one thing done. Just need to survive two months of trying to bring up my grades slowly. Shouldn't be too hard, right? Bleh.

"_Hikaru~ Can we go play on the Innernet now, can we? It's been sooo long."_

Well, he held out two days before nagging, I should be grateful. Though, I kind of like it when he whines and nags, I missed it before. Not that I'll ever tell him that. Anyways, can't go to the café, ran out of money Thursday. It was for a good cause, now I just have to convince Sai that looking at kifu of contemporary title holders is a good way to spend 'soccer practice'

Hehe, I should have known he wouldn't be hard to convince. I like that, reading with Sai. His insight on the top pro games, it's amazing. I'm honoured to be able to hear his wisdom and learn from him.

I hope this never ends.


	6. Deflecting

Ghost's Touch – Chapter Six - Deflecting

_Echoes of past acts, echoes of past thoughts. Maybe yes, maybe no, stay or go. Can't be both, could be nothing could be all. Maybe? Sorry. Nothing's wrong, everything is sideways and up is down and right is left, but forwards can't be backwards because backwards is wrong and what was can't be again._

« Hikaru! I just went by your house, what are you doing out here so late? »

Ah! Give me a heart attack, why don't you? Oh, is it really that late? Time flies so fast. Well, we did get to recreate and comment about a dozen games so it's an evening well spent, and it cost me nothing which is always good.

« Just playing out some games from this book, I didn't notice it was getting dark. Why were you at my house? »

« Ummm, well. My sister gave me tickets for free food at the festival at her junior high school… and It's been a while since we did something together outside school, you always go off alone… ummm, so, if you want, we could go together, maybe?»

It is true I have not been around much, I'm sorry Akari… There is just so much to do and I don't want to waste even a minute of the time I was given.

Ummm, the Haze School Festival. Tsutsui, Kaga… and the tournament at Kaio Junior High. That was the first time I truly wanted to play for myself, wanted to be seen by Touya Akira for myself and not for Sai's shadow. But it won't happen again. Now, I have not met Akira.

I can't risk playing just yet, not yet… I'm sorry.

_« You should go with her. »_

I can't.

« I… I don't know you anymore. Hikaru? Why won't you play soccer with the guys anymore, why do you always go off alone, why won't you talk to me! Hikaru! »

I'm sorry.

_« Hikaru? »_

Things change, people change. People grow up and interests change. I like go. I want to learn go from you, Sai. Don't worry.

I'm sorry Akari but don't worry about me. It's fine, I'm just growing up.

That's all.


End file.
